Am I the only mother that has an occasional thought (depending on the day it may be more than occasional) that I've already screwed up my children???? Growing up I used to joke that it wasn't fair that I was the oldest and in other words the experiment child. Sometimes when I am having a difficult time with Sabrina, friends will say that it is because she is the firstborn child. I am starting to think this is a nice way of saying, "You really have no idea what you were doing when it comes to raising her so we will blame it on how firstborn children act :)"So Sabrina's newest thing is that she wonders if I love her. The other day we were talking and she said something and I responded with, "Sabrina, you know that I love you, right?" She said, "Sometimes I wonder." My heart dropped and I almost started to cry. So this topic has come up several times in the last week. I have pondered my own childhood. I NEVER doubted that my mom loved me. What did she do that made me feel/think this way???? I thought I was doing these same things (telling her I love her throughout the day, hugging and kissing her, cuddling with her, taking her to do fun stuff). I do recognize that I am unable to spend very much one on one time with her since Camille was born and Jordan is always working. Well, this morning after I dropped off Sabrina at school I decided to write her a letter and leave it on her bed. She loves reading and writing letters.
Oh, I new motherhood was not easy but boy oh boy (or in my case girl oh girl) I really had no idea!
6 comments:
Hi Jessica, So I'm really almost about to cry just reading your post! You are not alone, and you are not screwing your daughter up! If you are, then I DEFINITELY AM! I started struggling with Coralee at age 5, when she started Kindergarten, which is the age all the books said "They are who they will be at age 5- you can change behavior, but you cannot change their core, who they are" Scary! I think it's probably a combination of growing up, being the oldest (she's just like me and I was the oldest too- like you), having younger siblings that get more attention and care (care just meaning help), daddy gone a ton, and seeing things at school and learning to fend for herself and trying to figure out who she is. That's my take on it at least. When Sabrina said "sometimes I wonder" it sounds kind of funny from an outsider, more like a phrase she picked up and sometimes doesn't know how to use properly, you know? I say that! She's also probably just teasing you- they learn that sooo young! 3 months ago, on our way to the car in the parking lot after school, Coralee asked if she could go to her friends, I told her she couldn't because she wasn't invited and we had to be somewhere. She LOST IT, screaming, yelling, crying, and saying "I hate you- you are the worst mom every- I want to be adopted into another family!!!!" OVER AND OVER AND OVER for everyone within a mile to hear. I had my two boys trailing behind me, no make-up on, and another little girl that I pick up, and the flailing child. My goal was to keep my cool and get to the car....Anyways, my point is sometimes they can't express or control their emotions, and take it out on us, their very best friend, and the person they trust and love the most...I mean isn't that why we get mad at our family/husband/sister so easily, b/c we know they will still love us? (Hopefully :)) I don't think I'd worry so much about what she said...that is a REALLY great idea to write her a letter though, something she can read and visually see and keep to remember. Sorry for the long post, and PS- are those really pics of Sabrina? They do not look like her at all to me, I don't know why.....
Mindy that totally made me cry! Thank you so much for what you wrote. That really meant a lot. Yep, that is Sabrina when we were in Vermont when you guys were still there. Doesn't she look so different?
Jessica, you are a great mom & I'm sure that Sabrina knows in her heart that you love her. A book that has really helped me with my kids is "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman. It helped me figure out specific things I could do to help each of my children feel loved.
I SOOOOOOO know what you are saying. I'm feeling the SAME way lately.
I was going to type something really snarky here, you know, about how I didn't have a clue what you were talking about wondering if you were messing up your kids. Then I read the sweet comments here. I was thinking she was probably just testing how you would react. Heck, if I got more hugs and kisses for telling someone I wasn't sure if they loved me, I would be doubting all the time. Ha! You're a great mom, full of fun and love.
Sabrina is a sweetie. You are wonderful, and so thoughtful. She sees that. I bet the letter was a hit and something she will save forever!
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